Are you tired of being normal? Do your conversations lack snobbish pretension and vague insinuations that your listeners are moronic plebeians? Do you sometimes feel that you’re just too good for this world, but you don’t now how to show it? Well, friends, I have the solution. Become a hipster! “But Tyler,†I hear you whine gratingly, “there are so many hipsters out there already! How do I show that I’m the most disaffected and unique out of all these disaffected and unique people?†Simple – you must out-hip the other hipsters. You must become – nay, you must be transformed – into the ultimate hipster. But fear not, gentle reader, for in my infinite grace I shall provide you with five easy steps to becoming the ultimate hipster.
If there’s one thing hipsters enjoy, it’s pretending to enjoy unenjoyable music. If there’s two things hipsters enjoy, it’s pretending to enjoy unenjoyable music and disdaining more listenable fare. To become the ultimate hipster, you must always be one step ahead of other hipsters, who always try to be one step ahead of popular music. A regular, reasonable person might enjoy a band like Muse or Radiohead. A hipster would decry these Brits as too mainstream, and would insist upon either preferring something “ironic†like Flight of the Conchords or something ironic like the Mountain Goats. Forget about today’s bands. Even next year’s bands must be ancient history for the ultimate hipster. Banjos and Ukeleles are the next big thing after the next big thing, so you'll always be a step ahead of your other hipster friends. Hipsters enjoy music that is minimalistic, acoustic and devoid of production value, so try to catch a local picking at his banjo, record it and make it all you ever listen to.
Smart Phones and PDAs are totally overplayed. Come on, every working stiff on the subway has an iPhone or a Blackberry or an Android or a BassMaster glued to their face these days. You need a way to keep your busy schedule organized that marks you as a thoughtful, counter-culture visionary. After all, who else is going to remember your packed itinerary of working at a coffee shop, smoking cloves and then pretending not to enjoy the latest Yo Tengo Beech Bark concert? Go completely wireless, energy-renewable and recyclable - write shit down on paper.
"Norm" fashion is becoming more and more formal and businesslike. Everyone knows the hippest of the hipsters buck trends, so why not buck this one as hard as you can? Show how unique and different you are, unlike all your other unique and different friends, by rebelling against modern fashion. Try pairing overalls with a dirty white T-shirt for that coveted "unwashed iconoclast" look. Grow some unruly stubble to show the world just how little you care about what they think.
Cities are way played-out. It's too hard to try and be a counter-culture individual when everybody else around you is counter-culture in the exact same way, right? Move someplace where there isn't anybody like you so your desperate bids for attention won't go unnoticed! Move to the country!
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Congratulations, you've become the ultimate hipster! Â A hillbilly.
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