Alcohol - it's America's favorite pastime. We drink at people's houses, bars, clubs, and even go to college to do it. Those who play the sport of drinking are all too familiar with the "ups" that a hectic night out brings. The "up" that is most commonly sought after on a night out is the prized hook-up, but getting F'd up sometimes leads to other less desired "ups", such as: break-ups, throw-ups, awkward wake-ups, lock-ups, knock-ups, and getting beat up. With that said, I have devised a few rules to guide those in the league of mead, or the crews of booze. Following these simple rules could mean the difference between an embarrassing night, and an embarrassing life.
All too often, the alcohol in our system will lead us to do or say things we normally wouldn't. You're probably going to say some stupid things face to face on your drunken outings, but at least it will be quarantined to the bar. However, now that phones have the less confrontational invention of texting, it's very easy to send a barrage of late night texts that will have you scrambling for damage control in the morning. The most common offenders of this rule send texts to ex-girlfriends confessing their love, and leave slurred voice mails on their friends answering machines. As a result, your back in a relationship with a girl you can't stand when sober, and your friends are forwarding hilarious voice messages to everyone they know of you crying whilst singing "I Will Be Your Friend" by Amy Grant. Congratulations, douche bag!
Not unlike drinking and phone'n, stay away from drinking and Facebook'n! This can be hundreds of times more detrimental to your reputation than the first rule, as all your friends will be witnesses to your drunken idiocy. Drunk Facebook'n can lead to a chronological order of events that read something like: Douche bag is chillin at the club, where yall at? Douche bag just took 3 shots of patron outta some chicks belly button!! Douche bag projectile vomited all over myslef..anybodies got a shirt i could wear?????? Douche bag is bouta jus find a hooker cus these girls here man dont realiZE what a catckh i am!!!!!!! Douche bag just sh*t hsi pants Theres really no more to say on this one, you've said it all.
I know, I know, the band is playing your favorite song, and you just want to get up on the dance floor and let everyone know this is YOUR song! Don't do it! You know you can't dance sober, so just because your "feeling" it, doesn't mean your suddenly going to turn into Micheal Jackson. More than likely your going to end up on someones phone, and then on the internet like the guy above.
A night of drinking then becomes a lifetime of humiliation. Imagine a potential employer googling your name and stumbling upon this little embarrassing photo! Or some writer embedding it into an article about what NOT to do when drinking! Oh, wait... sorry guy.
Give it up dude, its over. You've been drinking all night with your buddies and spent the night sending obnoxious texts, checking Facebook, and dancing like a fool. The embarrassment you're gonna feel the next morning is already solidified, don't further mess it up by slurring cheesy pick up lines that will either get you laughed at or smacked. And even if you do manage to hook up with your beer goggles on, you're both going to share an awkward morning with the "wtf was I thinking" look on your faces. And fellas, unless you're Seth Rogen you're probably not going to end up with someone as hot as Katherine Heigl. Though the sound you make in the morning when you see her face will be very similar to Katherine's last name...
Jim Gaffigan described the Waffle House the best when he said, "it's 2 a.m., still time to make one more bad decision!". Yep, nothing better than some grease served with a side of lost dignity to help you feel better in the morning. The watermarks of these after hours drunk hangouts are the horrible park jobs out front, filthy windows, racial slurs written in the bathroom, and the faint stench of vomit lingering in the air. A perfect way to end the night for the rule-less boozer. If your reading this, you're probably a drinker and will most certainly have some "ups" in your future. However, if you follow this guide then you may be able to minimize the amount of regret you feel the next morning! ;)
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