Have you ever had a secret crush on a coworker? Every time they make a copy do you begin fantasizing about lathering TPS Reports in chocolate syrup?

Face it…you have an office crush. No worries, I’ve been doing it for over a year now. My girlfriend and I are happily dating, in our office.

This game begins to get tricky, especially if you are keeping the relationship hidden. Below are 7 tips to help keep your office romance banging:

1) Check the Company Policy

You might be surprised. Hiding the relationship may not be necessary. Check back through the company policy, anything about boning the entire summer intern staff? No? Hell, they may give you a promotion!

Side Note: NEVER ask your HR department about the dating policy. This is similar to asking your wife “how she would feel” about you sleeping with the new secretary. Get the point genius?

2) Ask Around for Gossip

Offices tend to be the adult version of middle school. We all secretly want to play M.A.S.H. and start tweeting about the latest juicy rumor.

Get the dirt on your crush. Ask the women. Most chicks will start spilling their guts about the latest gossip and office hook ups. These are things you MUST find out.

Bottom Line: Nobody wants to be balls deep and find out later that “Lumbergh fucked her.”

3) Work Happy Hour is OFF LIMITS

Other coworkers are at the same happy hour. Any second they suspect you drunkenly hooked up after 7 martinis will spread like wildfire the next morning. This is a crushing blow to all hopes of ever fornicating on your boss’s desk.

Happy Hours are for flirting, casually getting a number, and setting up an outside discreet date. Don’t treat it like you just ordered a truckload of midget porn. But be hush about it. Get the number and get out.

Off Topic: I do suggest getting drunk as humanly possible during work happy hour. Start referring to all the women as “hookers” and all the guys as “pussies.” Coworkers appreciate these sorts of things.

4) The First Date

Pick a spot that you know your co-workers will not visit. Strip clubs work perfectly, if you’re into that type of thing.

Go somewhere quiet and away from the office. You pretty much know a “general area” that most of your co-workers live. Let’s call that the “hot zone.” Avoid the hot zone like the fucking plague.

5) Throw Away the Key

Guess what? Nobody can find out your hooking up, unless you tell someone.

You’re not suddenly Zeus. All you did was bone the mail room girl. Wait till she gets fired before spilling your guts. As far as office politics go, it is better to keep your mouth shut. Once you tell 1 person, they tell 1 person, who in return spreads your little secret like H1N1.

If you happen to stay in the relationship, like myself, the two of you must make a pact. The first to spill the beans gets junk punched and gives free blowjobs for a month.

6) Lunch Quickies are AWESOME

One of the main perks of dating a coworker? Sex at work, duh!

I suggest driving to the other side of the parking lot, but for the risk takers…meet each other in the basement. Boiler rooms make great spots for quickies. Even single stall bathrooms can offer killer privacy.

The key is to make it quick. This is a gun slinger shoot out at high noon with only one bullet. Make it count, and get out of there.

You thought sharting your new St. John Bays was awkward? Try getting caught with them around your ankles by “Larry” the maintenance man…

7) Never Bring the Same Thing for Lunch

Let me get this straight? You’re both pounding leftover chicken fajitas, from Rodriguez’s Mexican joint, and whining over margarita hangovers? Are you two banging?

It is a dead giveaway. Your coworkers are dumb, but they wise up quick at the hint of office romance. Leave out the little clues. Sharing the same leftovers is a DEAD giveaway.

If you have leftovers, one person takes them to work. These are the rules to dating your coworkers.

BONUS FACEBOOK NINJA MOVE:

Remember, your FACEBOOK account is public. When people tag photos, your coworkers can see them too. Set your privacy settings to hide your pictures.

This is how my relationship was recently exposed. Thank you honey, you’re the best…

Philtron3030 writes for The Mad Olive.  If this post rocks your face off, come check us out!