Sorry Jessica Simpson this is not in direct response to your failed appearance in public. No one should be seen wearing these. They do not flatter, they don't accentuate, nor do they hide any blemishes they're just hideous. They look like someone swallowed the 80s, wrapped them in denim and vomited them back up with interest. It's just bad. When your bra and your blue jeans meet. Take that as a sign that you have not chosen wisely when out shopping. Jessica if you can't pull it off then no one can.

Hey, good morning. How are you? Good how are you? *one beat two beats* Uh huh have them call me later. What the hell just happened? Then you realize they weren't talking to you. They were talking to the air or someone on the end of the Bluetooth. It's so pretentious it's painful. It's saying I'm so busy I can't be bothered to reach into my pocket and get my phone. You look arrogant. It looks like a tumor on your ear. When these fashion catastrophies are worn into an establishment the message they convey is I'm so important that at ANY moment I may have to answer this cell phone and ignore you completely without touching my phone. You're a failure. It's a bid for attention, a failed try to be important. You're not.

Ok right above everyone's eyes there's these fuzzy parts of your body oh the eyebrows. They're dainty and cute, pleasant and telling, a little part of the face that communicates with people while you talk to them. If your shades cover them completely then you have sufficiently failed. Those shades make you look like a bug. A big, ugly, out of touch, pretentious, narcissistic idiotic bug. It's a half a mask. It's part of a Halloween costume. The only part you're lacking is the plastic headband with some antennas. Not sexy. Buglike. Foolish. Like a little kid got into her parents wardrobe and put on mom's glasses. Ugly.

So this abysmal trend got started somewhere some degenerate decided that his rebel statement would not be made through tattoos or earrings or long hair. Nay, said he, I shall invade my girlfriend's closet and wear her jeans. That will show the world that I am unique and an individual who can decide for himself. Once my genitals are sufficiently scrunched into my scrotum the world will recognize my genius and see me as not one of the many sheep but as a leader among the mindless masses. All along all I needed was some incredibly tight and too small jeans. And the world caught on and bought it the fad became a trend and the trend became a staple of losers everywhere. Just stop it. It makes my balls hurt just seeing it.

It's not a statement. It's not satirical or a chance to showcase your brilliance. You simply went to the store and bought a t-shirt. Nothing more and nothing less. Porn. My Anti-Drug. You know what your problem is? You're Stupid. I Can Only Please One Person a Day and Today is Not Your Day. Tomorrow Doesn't Look So Good Either. It's not Gonna Suck Itself. These are cries for attention. A better one would be Look at me! I'm pathetic and lonely and can't garner attention myself so I'm forced to wear a generic t-shirt in hopes of someone noticing me. A bit wordy but I think it'll catch on.

First, the girls. What the hell are you wearing in your ears? Earrings or bangles? Bracelets or studs? Did you accidentally pick up a hula hoop and attach it to your lobes? It's so distracting it's pitiful. If your hoops actually rest on your shoulders then that should give you a signal: these hoops are too big. I'm all for hoops. They can be delicate and cute and pretty and attractive. But not if they double as bracelets. Dudes. If you can put a golf ball through the hoop/gauge in your ear then that's too much. It's fucking disgusting. It's not cool or rebellious or anti-establishment. It's just ugly. And gross. You take those gauges out and your lobes hang like pieces of dead meat, flobby like old mens balls drying out in the sun, stinking of vomit and unwashed asscracks. Don't. Just don't.

No it's not a new thing to hate but why in the hell are people still wearing them? They were ugly when they first hit the market (and somehow became a trend), they were mocked and hated a year ago, Crocs as a company is going under as the fads passes away, but people are still wearing the ugly bastards. If you wear crocs then you should be punched in the face because you are contributing to the downfall of America as a society. They should be used for one thing: kindling for a fire. So old folks, young folks, let's all get together and have a sacrificial burning. RIP Crocs. We should have never known you.

No. Don't. Just STOP. It's a pitiful attempt to garner glances while out in public. The dogs hate it, you look stupid, and your merely buying some CEOs new vehicle when you buy a ballerina outfit for a Chihuahua. Your dog hates it. People who see you with your dog out hate it. There are children who aren't treated as well as your pet and if someone were to mention that to you an uproar would be made. Yes, pets are fantastic. They are part of the family. It's entertaining to see Spike in a Steelers jersey on game day. But don't parade them around town as if it's some type of achievement. It's not. It's a failure.