Are you a depressive, socially under-qualified audiophile? Do you find the notion of living out your life as a tortured, starving artist romantic? Express yourself through song lyrics from sad eighties British pop music? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’d probably be my friend, and you probably aren’t the number one lover man in your particular postal code. But since you’re my friend – you are my friend now – I’m going to give you some advice.

The Mixtape:

No matter who she is – if you’re reading this, she’s way out of your league – you’ve got an edge, that is your superb musical taste and quiet, self-deprecating sense of humour. Since you’re probably too much of a pussy to use any form of sophisticated verbal communication with your dream girl, we’ll focus on the former. Enter North America’s most commonly practiced art form: the mixtape.

There are countless rules for making the perfect mixtape, too many to list, but I find sticking this set of tips helps.

1) Think about what you’re really trying to say to this girl, and pick a set of songs accordingly.

2) Start off with a killer – grab her attention – but don’t blow your load on track one, cool it off a notch for tracks two and three.

3) The fourth is the most important track on your tape, the coup de grace, so make it count. Use the song which most accurately conveys your message. Don’t ask me why it’s track four, ’cause I don’t know. It just is. After that you’ve just got to keep the heat up for another three tracks and go out with a bang.

Of course, there are just as many things that can irrevocably fuck up your tape, so listen up.

1) Don’t be an asshole and automatically assume she’s musically illiterate. Be smart, creative and funny. If she doesn’t get it, her loss. If she does? Bingo.

2) Don’t put the same artist more than once on a tape, especially back to back. This creates monotony, and remember, the tape is a reflection of oneself, so unless you’re boring and repetitive, don’t do it.

3) Most of all, don’t go too far over the top, in content or length. It’ll seem like your trying too hard – which make no mistake, you are – but you don’t want the smell of desperation lingering over your tape. Keep yourself in check as much as you can.

After what is likely to be days in a tedious, pathetic existence – obsessing over piles of records and deciding whether putting “There Is A Light That Will Never Go Out” as track one is too forward – you’re almost done. Listen to the tape – in order – all the way through. Several times. If it doesn’t sound right, fix it. Make sure you’re tape is an accurate representation of yourself. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a brutal, ego-shattering let down. Finally, whip out a Magic Marker and scrawl out some liner notes, and if your artistically inclined – which I’m sure you are – maybe even a cover.

The Love Letter:

I’ll be the first to admit that the love letter is a little creepy. It is usually utilized by either the common North American smarmy douchebag or the hopelessly introverted artistic-type. If you are the former, please stop reading and kindly go fuck yourself. Gone? Good. The remainder of you probably don’t have much experience in conversing with women, but you’re also most likely an intelligent, thoughtful person. Since you can’t vocally use your words, let’s write them down.

1) If you know you’re only writing her a letter because you can’t say it’s contents out loud, she probably does too. Write with a sense of awareness of this, or the letter will probably just make her uncomfortable.

2) Be funny and complimentary, within reason. Don’t make the whole letter seem like a big joke, or you’ll not only be a mute, you’ll be a mute asshole. Also, don’t confess your love to her outright, or you’ll be a creepy – correction: creepier – mute.

3) Be casual. No thinly veiled sexual innuendoes, no bitter commentaries on why society won’t let you be with her. I know you’re tempted, but – once again – keep the creepy shit at bay.

These are really the only tips I can come up with when it comes to writing love letters. Avoid them if possible, as the success rate of love letters has declined sharply since the time of chivalry and dragon-slaying. You’ve got about a 2% chance of any sort of positive response, which is – then again – 2% higher than you started out with. So, write away, I guess.

The Hasselhoff Method:

If you’re on the fence about whether you can actually approach your dream girl, sometimes all you need is a little push. Something to take the edge off and loosen the mind. The Hasselhoff Method is a favorite for those who – while having the ability to recognize and respond to social cues – are simply too nervous. This one is a little advanced, as it requires what is semi-close to normal human interaction, but by following these three simple steps, you should be able to get the job done.

1) Get a little drunk. Enough to get the blood flowing, but not so much that you’re going to puke all over her. Chew a piece of gum or a breath mint, because there’s nothing worse than a quiet weirdo approaching you while smelling of alcohol.

2) Talk to her. You know, like a real person does.

3) If you really want to stay true to the Hoff, invite her out for a cheeseburger.

• • •

For the socially-challenged, the world can be a cruel, confusing place, even without the stress of romantic endeavors added on top. Hopefully, my newfound friends, this set of tips can help you make it through the battlefield that is love unscathed.