If you’re a true hipster, maybe you don’t have a Facebook page. Perhaps you opted for the retro route, and went with Myspace or – god knows – even Nexopia. Maybe you gather your information from local fanzines or underground publications and socialize solely at indie shows and abstract art exhibitions. However, I happen to know there is a relatively large population of hipsters who have succumbed to the lures of Facebook. Making your page an accurate representation of yourself can be a daunting task, so I canvassed the my network for known-hipsters and compiled a loose guide to making your Facebook page as hip as you are.

Your Pictures

Never have more than twenty; make sure to delete any that aren’t taken from an expensive Nikon camera or a shitty Polaroid. Because Polaroid cameras and film are no longer manufactured, sometimes it can be hard to find stock that hasn’t been snatched up by your hipster peers. However, modern technology has – thank god – found a way for you to capture the aesthetics  of the Polaroid picture in most photo editing software.

Ensure they are all taken from an artsy, unconventional angle. Wide, landscape shots with your back turned to the camera, a picture of a picture of yourself and photos of hip historical and pop culture figures can also work wonders.

Don’t shy away from the gratuitous use of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Belmont cigarettes as props. Be seen smoking and drinking as often as possible. Other props can include: ironic mustaches, excessively displayed chest hair (wear v-necks) and shitty one-speed bicycles.

Edit your photos ad nauseam; you’re going for a faded, worn look. Black and white can be very effective, as can sepia tone.

Don’t be afraid to caption your photos with a phrase from a source mentioned below. If you’re scanning a Polaroid, hand write the caption with a Magic Marker in the white space below the picture.

Pay close attention to your wardrobe. Wearing the same v-neck in two pictures? Pick your favorite and delete the other. This tip is also helpful in keeping your photo-count low.

If you’re going to add photos, add ones of yourself sparingly. Most of your albums should be comprised of your own amateur photography.

Your Information

Never list your real hometown! Unless you live somewhere cool – like New York or Montreal – pick somewhere obscure that you, and most likely nobody you know, has ever been. Reykjavik, Iceland is a good call. Using a fictional place as your hometown, taken from literature, film or music, can also work.

Use irony in your political and religious views, (e.g. Marxist-Leninist, Anarchist, Pagan, Wiccan). A quote that indirectly references politics or religion is a perfectly suitable alternative and is – in some cases – more effective.

Pick a few artsy quotes for your info section. Songs by little-known, underground or local bands usually work well. You could also draw from a popular – but still artsy – outlet,  Jack Kerouac, J.D. Salinger, whoever you feel like ruining for the general populace at the moment.

Keep yourself updated: as soon as something you’ve quoted gets too mainstream for your liking, use your encyclopedic knowledge of counter-culture to find a suitable replacement. Keep this revolving door of quotes constantly moving, don’t allow your information to get stale.

As soon as you quote something, be prepared to take ownership of it. Remember, you heard of it before anyone else. In fact, you pretty much wrote it!

If you don’t have a blog already, get one and fill it with your art, poetry and prose. Plug it incessantly on your Facebook page.

Facebook Conduct for Hipsters

Use cold, sterile language and punctuation when talking to a non-hipster. Don’t make too much of a fuss in concealing your well-deserved sense of superiority.

Go for a minimalist look on your page. Delete wall posts daily.

After receiving an event invitation, eliminate the idea of accepting, unless used to ironic effect. If you plan on attending, click “Maybe”, don’t ruin the shroud of spontaneity and ambiguity that you’ve worked so hard to attain.

Maintain a vague, distant attitude when using Facebook chat and wall-posting. Talk cryptically and incorporate song lyrics into conversation. Take time to respond to wall posts to avoid seeming too eager.

Limit the amount of time you spend on Facebook. Remember, you have better things to do. Ensure that everyone else knows it.

•••

Granted, making your Facebook page as hip as you are can be difficult and exhausting. This being said, your hard work will pay off. Now people can check how hip you are twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, at the click of a button. If followed correctly, these tips should help you perfect the art of extending your hipster persona onto the vast interweb. Good luck!