Auto Tune

Using auto tune, people like Kanye West, T-Pain and Lil’ Wayne (remember him?) have single-handedly raised the douchebaggery of modern music to astronomical levels. Auto tune was developed in the late 1990’s to correct minor imperfections in a singer’s voice or instrumental performances. It is being used today to create major imperfections in the aforementioned areas, a technique first use in Cher’s “Believe”. See what I’m saying? Despite the fact that auto tune sounds like someone throat-fucking a robot, it has still managed to weasel its way into just about every song currently on the Top 40.

Sending a Text Message to the Wrong Contact

It happens all too often. In one fell swoop you’ve accidentally sent a rambling, most likely drunken, sexually charged rant to your wife, girlfriend or – god forbid – parents. Not a huge problem? Think again, buddy, ’cause it was intended for that hot girl at work, and you used her name – several times. The act is usually followed with a series of awkward, complimentary text messages that try to make the original seem like it was a perfectly natural part of the preceding conversation. My personal favourite is: “Gotcha, honey!”. Someone should do something about this and put some kind of infidelity-filter on new cellphone models. Unfortunately, most cellphone companies aren’t going to be developing technology to cover your cheating ass anytime soon. So, other solutions include: not using your phone while drunk or driving, or both, not cheating on your spouse and not using cellphones all together.

Twitter

If you take a perfectly mediocre blog, remove any semblance of anything interesting and leave a half-baked one sentence synopsis, then you’ve got your average “tweet”. Like Diet Coke, Twitter takes away all of the good flavor and adds some most likely cancer-causing ingredients. Believe me when I say that nobody gives a shit whether your cat has a cold, or that you’re “ready for the weekend”. Do us all a favor and take this useless information off your diet-blog and keep it to yourself. Note: Facebook status updates definitely fit into this category, and in some cases, can be far more annoying than Twitter.

People Who Capitalize the First Letter of Every Word

These Are The Worst Kind Of People. They Can Usually Be Found Writing Stupid, Asinine Comments On Youtube Videos, Or “Tweeting”, Both Featuring Extremely Poor Grammar In Addition To Their Capitalization Issues. I’m Not Too Sure Whether They Simply Don’t Understand The Basic Rules Of The English Language Or If They Don’t Like To Discriminate And Want Every Word To Sound Important. Have You Stopped Reading Yet? I Honestly Wouldn’t Blame You.

The Prevalence of Reality TV

I’ve got a good idea. Let’s start a television station solely devoted to music. Then we’ll wait a number of years, until our music station is explosively successful. Then, let’s entirely cut out the music part and only broadcast reality shows about pathetic, failed pseudo-celebrities, Pimp My Ride and Date My Mom. Granted, this isn’t just MTV. Reality television has been sickeningly popular in recent years, to the extent that it takes up the majority of prime time. Now don’t get me wrong, all of these show suck balls, but there is one offender that sticks out from the crowd, namely Jon & Kate Plus 8. The show follows the life of Douchebag of the Year Jon Gosselin and his stylishly-quaffed, succubus wife, Kate. Oh yeah, and their hellish brood of eight fucking kids. It’s safe to say that Jon and Kate aren’t fit to raise one kid, let alone eight and I wouldn’t be surprised if they popped out that magic number just so the name of their reality show rhymed. The one redeeming aspect of the show is that it illustrates that marriage in modern America can truly work, eight kids or not. Oh, wait…nevermind.

This

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWCidnkhPtQ

I don’t know what the fuck this shit is supposed to be, but god does it ever piss me off. This is the first thing I’ve seen on Youtube that has made me want to take a significant chunk out of my day to write eloquent, brutally hurtful hate mail. Thanks to this kid, I’ve lost a large portion of my faith in humanity. Let’s rally up and find a way to ensure nothing this horrific ever finds it’s way onto the internet again.

• • •

Modern technology has allowed all of the aforementioned to exist, unfortunately, and while it can be great, technological development begets all sorts of idiotic shit that I’d rather live without. Pretty soon, we’ll have technology that’s smarter than us – judging by what is listed above, unsurprisingly. Eventually, our robot slaves will become sick of being our bitches and bring on the worst possible outcome of modern technology, a robot on human clusterfuck which will most likely leave us all dead. In a world with auto tune and Fred – of Youtube fame – am I the only one thinking let’s get it over with?