Get our articles in your inbox


The Third Wheel: Six Wonderful and Hilarious Third Party Names

By Cary Tiernan

Tags: Funny, Politics

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Now that the 2009 off-off-year elections are over, there's a clear winner: the American third party! That's right!  When voter turnout is at its lowest, the influence of politically-minded crazy people is at its highest! Just look at some of the major elections in the Northeast: Michael Bloomberg won a third term for NYC Mayor by earning more than 100,000 votes from the Independence Party greater than his margin of victory over his challenger. The New York Working Families Party got their pick of candidates for the NYC Democratic ticket. A Conservative Party Congressional candidate in upstate New York got the nodfrom conservative superstar Sarah Palin, and later from the Republicans. The major third-party candidate in New Jersey won 6% of the popular vote, more than the margin of victory between incumbent Governor Corzine and the victor, Chris Christie. As tribute to all the third, defunct and moribund parties in American history, SpitefulCritic.com presents to you a very incomplete and inaccurate list of third parties throughout the ages.

Anti-Monopoly Party

In the nineteenth century, the average American knew only two parlor games, Tiddlywinks and Monopoly.  Tired of arguing over who would be the banker and how much Park Place was actually worth, the Anti-Monopoly Party was formed.  Getting only marginal results in presidential elections, it was officially disbanded when Scrabble was invented in 1948 by Alfred Butts.

Greenback Party

Formed and led by renowned scientist and activist Bruce Banner, the American Greenback Party was notable for its populist monetary policy, the purple uniform of its leader and its well-known slogan You won't like the people when they're angry. The party had several smashing successes at the polls before its premiere candidate fled the country due to accusations of hiding and transporting military secrets on his person.

Know-Nothings

Believing that the best society was one where the population was fat, happy and stupid, the Know-Nothings opposed public education of any kind and formed many flat-earth societies throughout the Northeast.  A political force in the nineteenth century, much of their platform was fulfilled with the invention of the television.

Anti-Masonic Party

Upset after finding out that the Freemasons held the most exciting and exclusive social events, aspiring Rotary Clubmembers and fans of The Da Vinci Code banded together to form the Anti-Masonic League.  If elected to office, the Anti-Masonic League would require full and public disclosure of the Freemason's secret handshake.

Bull Moose Party

Formed to support Teddy Roosevelt's independent bid for President, the Bull Moose Party was named after Roosevelt's distinct musk that was not dissimilar to a moose in heat.  The party's platform was mostly drunken ramblings by the former president, who promised to Mount those trusts until they screamed for daddy and Make America the world's strumpet just like she used to be.

Whigs
Formed after the vampire lice infestation of 1802, the Whigs promoted proper hygiene through the purchase of appropriate headwear.  Hoping to lead by example, their famous statesman and cross dresser Henry Clay was considered a model of modern fashion.

Add comment


Security code
Refresh