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Why Aerosmith (and 10 Other Old-Fart Bands) Should Call it Quits

By Jim Kanavy

Tags: Celebrity, Music, Rock

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Should Aerosmith break up? Here are a few reasons for them to call it quits:

 

1. Brad Whitford, the unsung guitar hero of Aerosmith, hasn’t had a song on a record since Pump. He supplied Voodoo Medicine Man – arguably the best track on the record. You may know his tune Last Child or some of the heavier songs he wrote for the band like Nobody’s Fault from Rocks and Round And Round from Toys In The Attic.

 

2. Angel, The Other Side, Cryin’, Amazing, Crazy, Hole In My Soul, and I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing – these are a small portion of the regurgitated Bon Jovi scraps that graced the Aerosmith records of the last 20 years. How could any band be expected to continue after those life-sucking tracks were unleashed? Side note: continued airplay encourages this despicable behavior so please, please, please AOR programmers, go find a copy of Rocks, Draw the Line, or Done With Mirrors and play any song from those records instead.

 

3. The best Aerosmith song of the last twenty years is Shakin’ My Cage, which was on Joe Perry’s solo album from 2005. He didn’t even need outside writers like Desmond Child, Holly Knight, Jim Vallance, Marti Fredriksen, Steve Dudas, Mark Hudson, Glen Ballard, Richie Supa, Dominic Miller, Taylor Rhodes, Jack Blades, Tommy Shaw, Lenny Kravitz, or Diane Warren. Too bad it wasn’t really an Aerosmith song, but then again neither were any of the songs written with or by the aforementioned song manufacturers.

 

4. Steven Tyler is a jackass. Just listen to him for five minutes (if you can stand it). Brand Tyler? Bland Tyler. One more power ballad and I’ll puke.

 

5. Joe Perry is the undisputed King of Cool. He should reform the Joe Perry Project, put out a rockin’ new album and hit the road with the band. Oh, wait, he just did that. Get his new CD Have Guitar, Will Travel and you’ll know where Aerosmith’s balls went. If Aerosmith breaks up, will that feature be added to the Guitar Hero game?

 

Here are a few others that should probably call it quits:

 

Lynyrd Skynyrd

Come on people, there is only one original member left – Gary Rossington – and no one else who played with them in their 70’s heyday. A few years ago there was a tribute band out there with more 70’s members than the actual Lynyrd Skynyrd band. Fate has been trying to stop these guys since 1977.

 

Molly Hatchet

At least Skynyrd has an original member in its ranks. The same could not be said for Molly Hatchet until recently when Dave Hlubek rejoined the band. How does a band carry on with no one there from the start? What’s next? Clones? Replacing members with next of kin? Hold on, Skynyrd already did that.

 

Marshall Tucker Band

What’s with all these Southern Rock bands that keep on trucking long after the driving forces of the band are gone? There’s only one original member still in this band too! Hey everybody, let’s find an original member of our favorite band and start it up again. Anybody know where Pete Best is these days? A Beatles tour would definitely be a hit.

 

Poison

When did Carrot Top start fronting Poison? Amazingly, he sounds a lot like Bret Michaels. It is Bret Michaels? Wow, that face looks like Joan Rivers went as the Joker for Halloween. Poison’s last record was all cover songs and they didn’t even bother to make them all new recordings. Are they officially out of ideas? They’ve been out of ideas since 1993, but is it really official now? File the paperwork and send them home.

 

Rolling Stones

They’ll probably hang on long enough to earn their name by being rolled on stage in wheel chairs. They haven’t made any exciting music since Steel Wheels and that only seemed exciting because the previous record was Dirty Work.

 

Guns N’ Roses

This band started to fizzle when Izzy Stradlin left. Slash was the guitar star but Izzy was the grit & guts of the band. The death knell was sounded for GN’R when they too did a covers album – The Spaghetti Incident? W. Axl Rose apparently chose to ignore it. Too bad he didn’t ignore Industrial and Electronica music, Hip-Hop hair styles or that fact that his band left.

 

KISS

They did a farewell tour with the original members in 2000 but decided to keep going. They must have meant farewell to Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. They probably don’t have to pay Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer as much and you know that puts a smile on Gene’s demon-painted face. The new guys should not be wearing the make-up of the Catman and Spaceman. They should have new characters like Dollar Sign Man and The Scab. Kiss have apparently put the remains of their dignity in a Kiss Kasket and buried it.

 

Van Halen

If your band has put out more hits packages than new recordings in the last ten years it might be washed up. If your band had more singers than new recordings in the last ten years it might be washed up. If you’re replacing band members with family members it might be washed up. Van Halen is washed up. Even a reunion with David Lee Roth – 25 years past his prime – wasn’t enough to save the legacy of this highly influential band. Remember Van Halen III and Gary Cherone? Gary’s trying to forget it too. At least it showed us why Eddie Van Halen doesn’t sing.

 

Spinal Tap*

It was another quick cash grab for the once mighty Tap with Back From The Dead and a massive one day world tour in 2009. How many drummers have to die before you guys call it a day?

 

*We know this is not actually a real band. But for serious, they would still be on tour if they were.

 

Celine Dion

I just want her to stop.

 

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