This is a pretty obvious giveaway. White trash LOVE cats. Just adore them. Literally, can never have enough of them. Love to feed them. Love to pet them. Love to do everything but pick up after them, get them spayed, or keep them off your property. If you see some furry felines slinking around, head for the hills.

 

Another fairly obvious sign. White trash prefer functionality over fashion. Plastic chairs are cheap, easily replaceable and rain washes them off. Actually the same can be said for white trash.

 

Notice a plastic theme? White trash appreciate low maintenance. Plants need water, soil, trimming, sunlight, nurturing etc. Rocks and plastic plants just need to sit there looking stupid. What you “plant” says a lot about you.

 

White trash have lots of kids. They also have limited funds. An 8 seat clunker is the proverbial chariot for this kind of neighborhood. 3-4 minivans per household usually does the trick. *Caveat: only one of these minivans needs to be functional. The rest can just sit around collecting dust. Remember, white trash have trouble getting rid of things.

 

There is a twofold reason for this. White trash have trouble keeping jobs and have often lost their driver's licenses. This forces them to walk everywhere they go. If you live in the suburbs and you see people hoofing it everywhere (especially while carrying shopping bags) be warned.

 

There are definite transportation themes with white trash. Don’t count on them to use those old standards like, say, cars. Alternate forms can include (but are not excluded to): school buses, atv’s, pogo sticks, dirt bikes, rollerblades, or good-old ten speeds.

 

Sometimes finding white trash can require a little extra surveillance. It may mean hanging around the neighborhood and just watching. Do the neighbors like to take trashcans to the curb in their slippers? Do they barbecue in tighty-whiteys and a tank top? Are they getting the morning paper in nothing but an open bathrobe?

 

If it’s c#$%sucker-this and motherf%$#@er-that from the elementary aged tikes on the block during their four-square game then sound the white trash alarm (old cans tied together with string). White trash like to get their offspring cursing early. They find it helps in the workplace (bar).

 

White trash rarely, if ever, visit the backyard. Why should they? All the good stuff is happening on the street. The front porch is where they discuss the stock market and dissect Plato’s Theory of Forms. And if that conversation runs dry, there is always Marlboro Reds and guns.

 

Nuff said. Happy house hunting!