6 Things I Hate About Funerals

They are death dealers, straight up. How can they profit from someones loss and still look in the mirror? I understand the grieving can’t have a free ride, but don’t charge them extra. Unless their cousin is Ms. Cleo, there is no way the family of the deceased can purchase a ticket two weeks in advance.Some airlines have this scam called bereavement fares, which never even comes close to the lowest fare, and to add insult to injury, the burden of proof is so outrageous who would even bother?

Side note: There is no reason a straight-through flight from Los Angeles to Philadelphia should cost $1,500. I don’t care who is in the NLCS (baseball playoffs).

It’s bad enough that it cost nearly $10,000 for the “right” and resources to lay a loved one to rest, but did you know that there is a death tax? That’s when the government looks at your hard earned money that was already taxed…and taxes it again after you die! So the next time someone you know is on their death bed, instead of telling them they have so much to live for, just simply say, “you can’t afford to die.”

I don’t understand who you are suppose to impress. Is it the deceased, the church or the mourners who care if your cuff links match your tie? Losing a loved one is suffering enough, there is no reason to compound your emotional pain with physical discomfort.

I still remember that old Seinfeld joke, “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death…This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”I wouldn’t go that far. But if you speak from the heart, you’re bound to get emotional. And who wants to cry in front of a crowd? It’s not fun (albeit extremely therapeutic).

I know they mean well. I know they were paid to do a job, but that’s the problem. I can tell they were paid to do a job. Don’t try to talk about what kind of person the departed was using cliche descriptions. If you didn’t know the person in the casket, then just read a few scriptures and get the f— off the stage.

With text messaging, email, social networks and tweeting we have been spoiled into believing that we can contact anybody, anytime, anywhere. But eventually even our closest friends and family will go offline for good. A funeral is the blunt realization of this fact. I hate saying goodbye. It’s weird even when the person is alive, let alone the awkward pause of a one sided conversation.

Which is why it’s a breath of fresh air to know that just because the person is gone, doesn’t mean it’s goodbye. Prayer is the original instant message, so anytime you’d like to send a status update to someone on the other side, just close your eyes and open your heart.

So to whom are you saying goodbye? Those relatives you haven’t called in ages, and probably still won’t. It not that you don’t like them, it’s just that you’ve already given out the max amount of slices of your time to those in your inner circle. Yet when it’s time to say goodbye at the funeral, caught in the emotional bonding of it all, you always exchange numbers and promise to keep in touch. You certainly plan to, but it just never happens. And you always feel like a weasel the next time you see them.