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Gift Ideas for the Cheap and Lazy

By Doug Norrie

Tags: Funny, Guide, Holidays

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

I’m sure you’ve been in this scenario:  Agree to participate in the office Secret Santa.  Choose a name.  Promptly forget said name.  Forget you signed up in the first place.  Get a gift from someone else.  Feel like shit because you haven’t given anything.  Realize you don’t really have any money anyway.  Promise to think of something.  Get drunk.  Forget again.  Repeat process until New Year’s and the whole office hates you. Not anymore.  I want to de-stress the holiday season.  Need a gift in a pinch (because you are lazy and stingy?)  Have no fear.  Just reference this handy little list:

 

Name a star after someone

Take a couple of seconds and just peruse this website.  I spent 10 minutes just scanning the different packages one can purchase when they choose to officially name a star.  This whole thing might be the biggest scam of all time.  How could anyone be possibly tracking this thing? They can't be.  It seems to me anyone with 15 minutes, a printer, Microsoft Word, a cheap Dollar Store frame and access to the internet could convince a gift recipient they had a star named after them.  And that’s exactly what you’re going to do. (If you don’t feel like just doing it yourself feel free to drop $489 on the heirloom package. Seems worth it.)

 

The Billy Mays Memorial Grab Bag

I am honestly surprised I haven’t seen something like this advertised somewhere.  Anyway here’s what you do.  Go to this website scroll down to the bottom and click on each of the Billy Mays products. Print out the page for each product and place the printouts in a box.  Then print out this picture and slap it on top of the box.  Have the recipient open the box, and choose out the 4 (or whatever) Billy Mays products they want.  Order them, or don’t.  It’s really just the thought that counts right?

 

Gift Certificate (for a store that just closed)

Pretty simple really.  Next time you are driving around, be on the lookout for those victims of the recession.  (Who said the dip in the economy couldn’t help you?)  Maybe it’s the local mom and pop shop.  Go home, exit out of youInternational Star Registry doc and get to work on a little gift certificate for said mom and pop store.  Go ahead and be generous.  100 bucks sounds about right.  Make sure store officially closes; give gift.  It’s perfect.  You look like you support local business and can be just as pissed at the giftee when the gift certificate is worthless.

 

Tag something

Nothing says “I care about you,” like graffiti.  It’s colorful, personal, public, and is just illegal to make the recipient think A: you are a badass and B: you stuck your neck out for them.  Any bridge, exit sign, side of building, train car, or truck should do the trick.  Bonus points if the vandalized (personalized) landmark is on the person’s daily commute.  It is a constant reminder of what it means to have you in their life.

 

Coupon to “Like” every single thing they do on Facebook

This is redeemable at any time and frankly something I do all year round anyway.  They become friends with someone you don’t know? LIKE!  They post a mobile upload of the beer they are having at the bar? LIKE! They just built something in Farmville? LIKE! LIKE!  Posted a Youtube link?  LIKE!   Kid is sick at home with the flu?  You know what’s coming.  LIKE!  Those little thumbs ups are a daily update of what a caring and diligent friend you can be.

 

Offer to carpool to work

Hell, you’re going that way anyway right?  Offer to drive those co-workers to work.  They just need to make sure to be at your house before you leave (with coffee if they aren’t heartless bastards).  Most will just love the thought.  You care about the environment.  You’re saving them gas and tolls.  They would love your company because you are so freaking dynamic.  If they show up, drive them for a week.  Then start digging about them chipping in for said gas and tolls.  If they don’t pony up, just start farting the whole time you’re in the car.

 

Run the Secret Santa yourself

This is a no-brainer.  You set the whole thing up.  You keep the records.  You look like the epitome of holiday good will and cheer.  You just don’t put your own name in the mix.  Sure you won’t get anything but who the hell cares?  It’s all about the image and you look like Kristopher Mother-F#@@ing Kringle.  Everyone will be too wrapped up in their own holiday gift-giving to notice you didn’t purchase a damn thing. Happy Holidays everyone!

 

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