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Headlines for Stories I Will Actually Read

By Kathryn Higgins

Tags: Funny, Media, Pop Culture

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

  • How to buy hot designer clothes for $10 or less.
  • Feed a Family of four a nutritious, balanced meal for five dollars.
  • Lose ten pounds instantly through wiser fashion and make-up choices.
  • Be smart but look sexy. Look sexy while solving that global warming problem.
  • No more desperately scratching at generic-drug packaging while you're having an allergy or sinus attack — Our system will have you in within three minutes!
  • Teach your kids to resist planned obsolescence without whining avoid replacing their electronic games, gadgets, and MP3 players for at least 1 ¼ years!
  • Be the hottest babe in the club while cooking a nutritious dinner for your kids.
  • Never fart! Ever!
  • Make the very best chocolate brownies while exercising and flossing your teeth.
  • Please everyone you encounter while achieving personal satisfaction.
  • Smell great no matter what!
  • Cook a delicious, nutritious, decadent, splendorific meal for ten without breaking a nail or a sweat.
  • Look fabulous, serene and confident while serving said meal.
  • Amaze your guests with the smartest witticisms and bons mots while hosting dinner party.
  • How to have an orgasm while paying your bills.
  • Buy the newest, best, most fabulous new gadgets and products while saving money and losing weight.
  • Throw a super deluxe and yet inexpensive party that will impress everyone you know and render them stupefied with envy and admiration.
  • Have one perfect, cleansing, quick yet substantial bowel movement each day at an appointed time.
  • Watch that Wall Street banker go down in flames while you win the lottery.
  • Never stain your shorts, no, you are too fabulous.
  • Enjoy every possible indulgence while losing weight, saving money and looking fantastic and enviable and having fabulous sex daily.

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