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The Truth About 2009's Most Talked About Movies

By Beaze

Tags: Movies, Review

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

First let's reveal the truth about this list: I can only talk about movies I saw.  Well that's not true, but I can only trash movies that I've seen.  Don't knock it til you tried it, right?  Yea, that's not true either. but this is true (Spoiler-Alert!):

 

Star Trek

Over-hyped movie of the year.  People praised it like it was Dark Knight surprise-good, but it wasn't even Transformerssurprise-good.  Kirk was suppose to be badass, but he couldn't even take Spock's girl.  What a shock, the nerd kept his true love.

 

Year One

Whiff of the century.  The idea -- a comedic look at the bible from modern perspective -- had so much potential, but the script and the ad-libbing actors bombed like lite shoes.  If your going to make fun of oddities in the bible you have to go all in, don't p*ssyfoot around the religious nuts, true believers (in God) know that a lot of stuff in the bible is unintentionally funny.

 

Watchmen

The ending had the logic of a 5 year-old. Watchmen: I'm telling. Smart guy: No you're not, you don't want to make mom and dad fight again. Watchmen: Okay. And the first 2 hours and 25 minutes was no beach either.

 

The Hangover

I thought it was a good movie and a clever script, but it wasn't that funny.  The characters were just too unrelatable.  They didn't do (or at least remember) anything that anyone has really dreamed of doing.  Except rob Vegas, and that was too easy.

 

G.I. Joe

Did it ever seem like victory was in doubt for the JOE's?  American audiences -- and some around the world thanks to President Obama -- were desperate to latch onto "real American Heroes" once again, making this movie a lay up and they bricked it.

 

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chung Li

So let me get this straight: Hollywood tried to reboot the franchise for the most popular video game of the last decade after the first Van-Damme sized screwed up and this was the best they could do?  Do Ken and Ryu ring any bells?  Chung Li was always just eye candy.  Oh, what's that?  Ken and Ryu were going to be in the sequel? Yea, about that... So what movies did I actually love this year?  Not many.

 

Notorious

95% of this movie was Derek Luke's uncanny intererpratation of Puff Daddy.  I wasn't even a true Biggie fan, but you can't help but admire his story despite his obvious flaws as a man.  And the music was awesome. P.S. - It's a shame that Diddy (1 for 1) is leading Vince MacMahon (0 for 4) in terms of moguls turned movie producers.

 

Wolverine

I already said my peace here, but I will just add that this movie is right up there with with X2 and Spiderman for me.  My only knock is that Hugh Jackman should not have been allowed to do broadway or that stupid-ass Oscars performance beforehand.  Way to shed credibility.

 

Next Day Air

I'm not going to lie, the fact that this movie was set in Philadelphia added to it's appeal for me, but the ensemble cast was top notch.  Through all the idiotic hijinks's and comical buffoonery there was a moral at the end of the story.  You just can't beat that.

 

Fast and Furious

Finally an action movie with the perfect blend of heart and testostrone.  The best part was oddly the scene when Dom rejected Gisele because she couldn't compare to Letty.  Now that's f***in' badass.

 

Quick Quips on Hits:

Observe and Report was fully committed to it's insanity.

Paul Blart was fully committed to sucking.

Transformers 2 spiraled into the toilet after Optimus Prime's kickass fight in the woods.

Up should not be viewed after losing a grandparent.

The Proposal would not have been as cute if Alec Baldwin was forcing Amanda Seyfried to marry him.

Terminator Salvation had nothing to do with the Terminator series.

Away We Go was incredibly stupid.  Who just goes flying around the country looking for the perfect place to raise kids?  It's called the Internet.

He's Just Not That Into You hit all the chick-flick marks, including making sure all the male leads turned out to be jerks or p*ssies.

I Love You, Man is the reason two guys can't hug without being called gay.

Adventureland...whitest...movie...ever.

Obsessed pretty much ensured that my wife will never let me have a female assistant.

The Taking of Pelham 1,2,3 was mighty bland for having an A-List combo like Denzel and Travolta.

Funny People ironically was only funny when Adam Sandler was dying.

Duplicity deserves an award for holding my interest despite the insane amount of time every character spent talking when they should have been doing.

The Soloist really took us inside of the mind of a schizophrenic.

Dance Flick killed the spoof genre.  When the Wayan's can't do it anymore, it's over.

 

Movies I didn't see and why:

Harry Potter and the whatever because I'm not into watching little boys play with their magic wands (even though Harry has a thicker beard then I do).

Twilight: New Moon because I have testicles.

2012 because I saw it before.  Multiple times (See The Day After Tomorrow andIndependence Day).

Inglorious Basterd because of the Nazi overflow (see the Reader, Valkyrie, Defiance, etc...)

The Road because that is not Will Smith.

District 9 because I just don't care if people are abusing aliens.

Paranormal Activity because I'd rather make a cheap home movie than watch one.

Avatar because it takes more than good looks to keep my attention.  Oh, and because of this.

The Hurt Locker because ignorance is bliss.

Bruno because I have a son, and his antics just seem inappropriate to me now.

Planet 51 because it's just too creepy to hear Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson's voice come out of a white guy.

Dragonball Z: Evolution because that is not the Goku I remember.

(500) Days of Summer because no girl has ever made me want to dance down the street singing Hall & Oats.

Saw VI enough already!

Jennifer's Body because Megan Fox gives "swallowing" a bad name.

 

A look ahead:

Sherlock Holmes will be interesting to see how they make this foreign, snooty detective with gadets cool when we already have a much cooler detective in Batman.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel as entertaining as the first one was, I just can't help but wish they were more human size.  I mean if the world is going to completely buy into talking chipmunk...why not stick to the original characters?

Up in the Air could be the second movie I like this year despite characters talking entirely too damn much.

The Lovely Bones Even though the trailers are gripping, engaging  and thriller-like, I am told the story is 80% drama and 15% action.  What a shame.  Would have been really cool to see a daughter help her father defeat her scary murderer from beyond the grave.

 

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