Don’t lie – you thought they were cool. We all thought they were cool. As we paired our Ugg boots with low rise jeans, co-ordinating our Livestrong bracelets with popped-collar polos, we thought “fashion-forward” was an understatement – nay, an insult – as we confidently strut through the mini-mall with Von Dutch purses and Hollister bags dangling from our arms. (Louis Vuitton if you could afford it.) But now? As we sit in our skinny jeans and vintage sweaters (or maybe that’s just me), we see the light.

It’s only fitting to pay tribute to the trends that defined a decade. A decade of Hot Topic meets Paris Hilton. A decade where consumption, greed and status mimicked that of the eighties. A decade where teenagers of Laguna Beach (aka the glorified suburbs) were the fashion icons of confused twenty-something girls. (“If Kristen Cavallari gets highlights, so should I!”) Welcome to the worst of the 2000s – a decade without culture, class or an identity of its own.

Ugg Boots

Once upon a time, my friend Phil wrote about the fact the Ugg boots were likely named after the reaction most people had when they saw them: “Uggggggg, those boots are fucking terrible!” Although this hypothesis goes without fact, I choose to embrace it wholeheartedly and declare them a contender for worst of the decade. (Sure, there are always exceptions – sometimes they even look nice (depending on the person and outfit in question) – but for argument’s sake, let’s look past these instances.)

Why these shapeless, giant, salt-stained, unflattering . . . things have taken the market by storm is still beyond me. Sure, they’re warm, but so are Snuggies, and you sure as hell don’t see me traipsing to the mall wearing one of those. Regardless of how you justify them, Uggs are fashion-less, unfortunate and an embarrassing mark against the 2000s. And to those of you who claim you wear them because “you don’t care about fashion”? Then you’re lying or you’ve been had – because you’ve just shelled out $200 for glorified slippers.

Livestrong Bracelets

Once a sign of solidarity and support, these once-charitable accessories have become the official mark of the frat-boy douchebag. (Are you doubting me? Please visit your local university and follow the sounds of cult-like chanting . . . bro.)

While I’m sure Lance Armstrong had great intentions (and granted, they were designed for an important cause), broskis bought them in droves, leading to multiple types of bracelets representing multiple things in multiple colours worn by multiple types of d-bag assholes. Like other trends of the 21st century, the history of the Livestrong bracelet has been clouded by people that wear them, and have consequently been attributed to beer-drinking and bad music taste as opposed to the abolishment of a deadly disease.

Popped Collars

Originating around the same time as the infamous Livestrong bracelet, popped collars have come to represent douchebaggery at its finest, signalling a carefree “whatever, bro!” attitude which is often packaged alongside seashell necklaces and man-tans.

Whether on a dress shirt or polo (extra points awarded if the polo is pink, purple or “controversially” bright), popped collars were a half-hearted attempt at rebellion against authority. Something along the lines of “fuck your ironing board, man – but can I use it for a second while I position my collar upright?” Like the trends before it, it soon became part of the mainstream (since the mainstream created it in the first place), and became a statement in itself: “You don’t pop your collar, bro? What are you? Some kind of douchebag?” Ah, the irony.

Von Dutch (Trucker) Hats

Blame Ashton Kutcher or Paris Hilton, but circa 2004, Von Dutch was the shit, and only the lame would attempt to argue otherwise. (And by “lame” I do mean “people we now define as ‘hip’ and/or ‘with it’.”) As trucker hats became the perfect accessory to jeans, jackets and casual dress wear, they become the epitome of status as teens and twenty-somethings (and midlife crisis-facing thirty-somethings) shelled out serious cash-money for brightly coloured headpieces with blatant (usually irrelevant) logos sprawled against the front. (Ohh, badass!)

At age 24, I still don’t know what Von Dutch is, but I do know it was a fashion faux-pas 75% of us participated in. I also know that the remaining 25% are probably still laughing at our 2003 equivalent of Jordache.

Low Rise Jeans

Pioneered by Britney (so they must be cool), scandalously low rise jeans owned the fashion industry for the early 2000s as parents and those with taste gasped, shook their heads and uttered “sluts . . .” under their breath. (To play devil’s advocate, if you could see someone’s g-string, that’s proof they’re wearing underwear, right? Which makes them totally respectable! …Right?)

Embracing the “sexiness is liberation!” mindset that led to Christina’s Dirty and Miley’s (likely) future career plans (she performs with a pole, okay?), super low rise jeans commanded attention while paired with baby tees and other ill-fitting top-wear. (And by “attention” I mean “stares, scowls and disgusted expressions from women, and unbridled lust from men”.) A trend so important, in fact, “butt cleavage” became a “thing” in ever-important publications like Cosmopolitan and the like. Substance at its finest. And we wonder why women continue to be objectified.

Surf Culture Gone Awry

From the release of Blue Crush to the popularity of Laguna Beach, surf culture was the ‘thing’ of the early to mid-2000s as Roxy, Hollister and Billabong promoted the easy, chilled out nature of West-coast living. (Minus the avid marijuana use…at least on the surface.) Seashell necklaces (now an integral part of the douchebag wardrobe), ripped jeans (because rips = rebel) and brand tees were meant to exude ease and effortlessness –as well as the token “whatever – I do what I want!” attitude. (Because nothing says “badass independent surfer” like shelling out $50 for a sweatshirt ridden with logos . . . and seagulls.)

Luckily as Punta-shell necklaces et al. became equated with (insert fraternity name here), the coolness of surf culture faded from the fickle masses. Surf’s heart returned to the sandy beaches, its reputation tarnished by “bro” use, keg stands and Kristen Cavallari. (All things Point Break excluded.)

So as we say goodbye to the 2000s, we gladly wash our hands of these trends, each representing the saddest aspects of modern-day society. As we look forward to the decade ahead, filled with years of as-of-yet unknowable discoveries, revelations and a whole new set of fashion trends, we await the day, 10 years from now, when we look back on the ’10s and say “God…skinny jeans and vintage sweaters. What were we thinking??”