You've all seen it. You're watching TV at one of those low-traffic times during the day — you know, when people with successful careers are expected to be working or sleeping — and there it is: A low-budget commercial for a low-budget college.
I'm sorry, make that “career learning institution.” Or perhaps, “for-profit college.” Regardless, assuming you haven't changed the channel (because some of those things are annoying as hell), you immediately know what to look for. All these commercials are the same, after all.
If your job doesn't totally suck, what are you looking into college for?
Don't give us that “self-enrichment” line. Nobody goes to Kaplan for the fun of it. That's what other colleges are for. You're coming here because you sucked at school, and we're going to sell you a piece of paper that makes you feel smarter. You're welcome.
Besides, let's face it: Our commercials only air when people with good jobs are asleep or at their jobs. You're seeing this commercial now because you're at home eating a day-old Big Mac and watching Judge Mathis in your underwear (or not) on a Tuesday afternoon, so chances are you're not making a six-figure salary.
So instead, you should go to (college's name here). That way, when you go back to the same job you had before enrolling, you can feel superior to your co-workers.
Are you a black woman? Or a Hispanic man? Asian? Middle Eastern? Indian? Or such a product of the melting pot that your physical features are indecipherable?
Great, put on this white coat and this stethoscope. Now smile and look like you're having fun while looking at something (a medical chart?) with someone of a different ethnic background. Okay, got it. You're in this commercial now. Boy, Everest College/University/Institute sure looks like a place where people of all walks of life are welcome, doesn't it?
Wait a minute, we're not done yet. Quick, somebody find us a token white guy!
In keeping with the theme of “success and tolerance for all,” it's important to make a subtle, passing reference to the Americans with Disabilities Act.
And in no way can this gesture be made more decisively than including someone who happens to be confined to a wheelchair.
It'll never be more than a second or two, but it is an important demographic to hit in a thirty-second spot. Of course, don't fool yourself into thinking our administration is actually going to make any sort of effort to obey ADA regulations. We're just filling our “get people from all walks of life in the commercial” quota.
By the way, this tactic can occasionally result in awesome.
Nevermind the fact that our campus is only one building, or that said building is not really much bigger than the neighboring bank. And no, that McDonald's is not part of the campus, they just bought the road front portion of property from us. They paid up front, and we like it when people do that.
Anyway, disregard all of that. Contained within this one building is everything you will ever need to succeed in the minimum-wage job you're destined for that has nothing to do with your field of study. We have, you know, classrooms and stuff. And some computers. Oh, and teachers! Well, kind of teachers. They're actually people with other jobs. You know, the kinds of jobs you think you're going to get by studying here.
Oh, by the way, for you criminology majors, there's a crime lab, that even has a microscope! See? Take that, accredited federally-funded public university on a 1,500-acre campus. We have a microscope. And we're next to a McDonald's.
We need testimonials.
Can we get together that same multicultural crew that we had in the last commercial? No? Then somebody grab a janitor and have him read this script.
Look, the point is, we don't care who it is. We just need to grab somebody off the street and pay him 50 bucks to read these lines about how our college prepared them for a real working environment and they've finally found a job they love.
Make it happen. What, you think you can find someone who actually went here and will speak kindly about us? Good luck with that one.
It's perfect. It doesn't matter what or where our college is, one of the programs we will offer is paralegal.
Why? Because you don't know what it is. And it contains the word “legal,” so you already think it's a good job.
When you ask about it, we will tell you that you work hand-in-hand with real lawyers. And that may be true... for a real paralegal. Incidentally, we don't have a class on how to get lawyers their morning coffee. That will be included in your on-the-job training.
You don't know this guy's name. But against all odds, he graduated from our institution, and accidentally became somewhat successful. We'll tell you he became the interim assistant vice president of either a company you recognize or one that sounds important. And your eyebrows will go up.
“Wow, if he did it, so can I,” you say. “He doesn't look all that smart.”
Yeah, we know. He's not.
Neither are you. That's why you're falling for it.
Do you happen to have two or more kids at home? Did you have one of them before you finished high school? Are you doing your very best working two part-time jobs to keep the lights on and food on the table? Fantastic. You, too, can be sold a dream and a bill of goods at the rate of $15,000 in debt per year. We'll be sure to include your story in the next ad.
In fact, the hopelessness of your particular situation is exactly the kind of thing going for. See, you're a good person at heart. You're doing your best out there, but circumstances being what they are, it never quite seems to be good enough. Now you're in your 30s or 40s, your children are in high school, and here we are, promising to grant you that education and career that eluded you in your younger days. You'll happily pay the fees and work hard every day, believing that there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Problem is, we're liars, and you're easy prey. Transaction complete, that'll be two years and several tens of thousands of dollars in loans.
If you ever doubt our legitimacy, remember that a percentage of our graduates actually get jobs at legitimate companies.
Don't believe us? We'll list them.
Our graduates have gotten jobs at law offices (receptionist), Coca-Cola (line worker), Verizon (call center), Disney (mascot), FedEx (Kinko's employee) and CBS (mail room).
Aren't you excited about our prestige now? We just listed a bunch of companies you've heard of! If you work hard and pay us lots of money, you can make $8 an hour working for a company you've heard of, too.
Bet you weren't doing that before you came here.
You know, everybody here sure does look happy all the time. It's almost like we're not a traditional college.
Oh, that's right, we're not! We're a magical place where you can come in on the first day and play make-believe like you already have a better job! Your sub-par reading and writing skills are absolutely none of our concern. Also unimportant? Math. You hated math, remember? You prefer a world where letters only interact with numbers on vending machines and in Star Wars.
Therefore, we keep the pictures of people studying hidden away. Why? Well, first of all, that only happened, like, twice.
And second of all, we really, really, would rather you not think about studying. Seriously, you're going to have to do it. We may be a “non-traditional” school, but it's still classes and tests. But you can deal with that once you're enrolled. Don't think about studying now, we can't have you scared away by the prospect of having to read books. We already know you don't like homework, studying, tests, or classroom attendance. If you were good at those things before, you wouldn't be here now. So just keep watching those nice multicultural students pretend to discuss an anatomy model while you sign this paperwork about your tuition increase...
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