Ah, America. Land of the free, home of the brave… and the 1500 calorie sandwich. As Americans, it’s our God given right to stuff our faces with a sandwich that meets or exceeds our recommend daily caloric intake in 10 greasy bites or less. Fast food corporations are well aware of Americans’ propensity to overindulge and are constantly inventing new gut-busting concoctions to cash in. So I invite you to settle in your seat, unbuckle that belt squeezing against your belly, and bask in the glory that is the 10 most abomidiable fast food creations.
The latest (and arguably greatest) installment in the fast food war on waistlines is KFC’s Double Down sandwich. Wait, can this even be called a sandwich? The damn thing doesn’t have any bread! Isn't that a disqualifier? I’ll refer to it as a failwich from now on. So this failwich is two stacked pieces of Original Recipe® chicken with two separate types of cheese and a couple strips of bacon crammed in between. Oh, and a glob of the Colonel's secret sauce is thrown in there for good measure. Folks, this is the most photogenic picture of this mess I could find. The others are a lot less glamorous, and slightly reminiscent of medical photos of certain venereal diseases. Yum!
Nutritional Facts
Original Recipe® Double Down Calories: 540 Fat: 32 g Sodium: 1380 mg
Grilled Double Down Calories: 460 Fat: 23g Sodium: 1430 mg
This burger is a metaphorical six-car-pileup of farmyard animals laid to rest between two buttered buns. With two 1/3 pound Angus beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese, and a dollop of mayonnaise (translating to 45 g (225% of your daily allowance) of saturated fat per sandwich)), your arteries are sure to go from a four lane highway down to a one way city alley after downing a few of these bad boys. Who says you’re too young to keep a defibrillator in the car?
Nutritional Facts
Calories: 1417 Fat: 107 g Sodium: 2740 mg
While somewhat unknown to the general public, In-N-Out Burger has a “secret” (maybe not-so-secret since the items are posted on the company’s Web site) menu. It’s on this Web site that you can find a dastardly little ratio that’s used to construct your custom burger: The M x C ratio. Put on your math caps boys and girls. Here, M represents meat and C represents cheese. The highest ratio actually listed on the secret menu is the 4x4. That’s what…? Yes, very good, four burgers by four slices of cheese. In other words, eating two double cheeseburgers at once. While this is pretty gnarly in and of its own right, I think the sky may be the limit with this ratio deal. I’ve seen a Web post where some folks ordered a 100x100 (worth looking up for the pictures). The bible references found on In-N-Out Burger wrappers may well serve as penace. Perhaps the owners can sleep at night knowing that some sort of "last rights" is being issued with every meal -- considering the food they dish out is knocking years off customers' lifespans.
Nutritional Facts
Calories: 1040 Fat: 78 g Sodium: 3220 mg
Some things just should not have a "Mc" before them. If you think I'm making this crap up, sadly, I'm not. This is a limited edition sandwich that can only be found, in the US that is, in certain parts of Maine in the Summer months (although I read it is also circulated in certain Canadian McDonalds as well – the locations and time frame of which were not clearly stated). Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Lobster is the antithesis of fast food. A siren should go off in your head when you see a lobster sandwich for 5 bucks and some change. I shouldn’t be accosted with the mental imagery of a half-toothless fisherman pulling out a lobster trap containing tires, used diapers, and what he thinks is probably a lobster somewhere in that mess, shortly before I take a bite of my “lobster” sandwich.
Nutritional Facts
Unavailable (even on the PDF menu on McDonald’s Web site). Another sign you shouldn’t eat this sandwich.
Finally, someone brought together all the staples of a good ol’ fashion trailer park breakfast together in one convenient sandwich! One charbroiled beef patty, an egg, American cheese, hash brown nuggets, bacon, and ketchup. Behold, the Carl’s Jr. Breakfast Burger. The only thing that’s missing is a PBR. Now that’s how you start your day off right.
Nutritional Facts
Calories: 780 Fat: 41 g Sodium: 1460 mg
The commercial for this one pretty much sums it up, "meat, on top of meat, on top of meat." The Meat’Normous Omelet Sandwich is a variant of the Enormous Omelet Sandwich with, you guessed it, more meat. Three slices of bacon, two slices of ham, and a sausage patty, topping two eggs, and covered with melted American cheese on a special bun (read, the elongated buns Burger King uses for its Chicken Club sandwiches). This sandwich is not for the faint of heart. I’m not speaking in literary cliches here either, I mean this sandwich could literally cause you to have a heart attack on the spot.
Nutritional Facts
Calories: 770 Fat: 47 g Sodium: 2400 mg
Back in the ‘80s, before adopting the “Think Outside the Bun” slogan, Taco Bell had a sandwich (gasp) on a bun (double gasp). The real kicker? It was essential a Sloppy Joe made with seasoned taco meat topped with shredded cheese and lettuce. Fancy. Judging by the calls on the Web to bring this sandwich back, it’s somewhat of a cult favorite amongst those who’ve actually tasted it. I wouldn’t hold my breath on this one guys.
Nutritional Facts
I couldn’t find any for this dinosaur. My guess is folks were too busy get hopped up on coke back in the ‘80s to care about nutritional facts.
Back in the ‘60s, Ray Kroc, the businessman who took over the McDonald’s franchise and made it into the megacorporation it is today, had a bright idea. He wanted to provide a sandwich that Catholics could eat on Fridays during lent. Apparently, the Filet O’ Fish wasn’t good enough – McDonald’s needed two cash cows. Thus, the Hula Burger was born. What’s a Hula Burger? Why it’s a grilled piece of pineapple topped with cheese between two hamburger buns, of course. Pineapple? Seriously? I think pretty much any grilled vegetable would’ve sufficed. How about grilled portabella mushrooms, or grilled onions topped with cheese? I imagine the brainstorming session for this sandwich was everyone in a room with a giant wheel that had choices on each rung, and the spin just so happened to land on pineapple (put on there as a joke by some smart alec marketing rep). Well, either that or Kroc was dropping LSD when he thought it up. Hey, it was the ‘60s.
Nutritional Facts
I think you’d need to be a history major to find nutritional facts on this one. I bet someone, somewhere would pony up a grant for this research.
I think Patton Oswalt said it best, “America has spoken, pile my food in a [explicative] bowl like I’m a dog. I don’t give a [explicative] anymore… I want a failure pile in a sadness bowl.” Just look at the picture, I won’t bother to top this with witty banter. If you’ve eaten this and said, “it’s not so bad, it has corn in it,” you should be ashamed of yourself.
Nutritional Facts
Calories: 720 Fat: 32 g Sodium: 2390 mg
I started this list with a breadless failwich, and I intend to end it that way. The McGriddle looks harmless enough; a cute little failwich with egg, cheese, and meat (bacon, or sausage) sandwiched between two mini… pancakes? Yep, pancakes. Pancakes infused with maple syrup. Oh and just as a final kick to the groin, embossed with the golden arches. Delicious corporate imagery… infused with maple syrup.
Nutritional Facts
Bacon Egg & Cheese McGriddle Calories: 420 Fat: 19 g Sodium: 1190 mg
Sausage McGriddle Calories: 420 Fat: 22 g Sodium: 1030 mg
Sausage Egg & Cheese McGriddle Calories: 560 Fat: 32 g Sodium: 1290 mg
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