Get our articles in your inbox


12 Ways to Look and Act Like a Soccer Fan

Soccer Fans
By Sarah Tebbe

Tags: Guide

Saturday, 19 June 2010

You may have noticed the recent trend in American sports fandom. I don’t know exactly when or where we got on the bus with the rest of the world, but no one’s happier about it than me. (Oh, except maybe professional American soccer players, ESPN and BW3s everywhere.)

 

As an example, today I unsuspectingly went to my regular breakfast bar-and-grill on this typical Friday morning to order an ordinary toast and coffee from the usual server. Now, on any other Friday at this time, the only other customers besides me would be a couple senior citizens poring over their newspapers. Not today though.  

 

Before I even stepped inside, I was hit by the whiff of testosterone, the glow of the 36” flat screens, the rumble of blood coursing, and the inarticulate grunts of a room full of male twenty-somethings.

 

The cause of this great commotion? Oh, yes, my friends: soccer.

 

Now, not to be the type of person who brags that I liked [insert band name here] way before they were famous. . .”

 

When it comes to soccer, I totally did.

 

Judging from a quick scan of the bar patrons, I figured that I had been lacing up cleats before most of those guys could even pronounce Pelé, let alone know who he was. And not only did I play, I was a regular little elementary school all-star. I could tend goal; I could run fullback, halfback, or wing. And I could do it left- or right-handed. I still have Our Lady of Perpetual Help’s trophy from the 80s. Now there’s some street cred for ya.

 

And for years I’ve been a fútbol fan on the down low, lamenting the conspicuous absence of soccer from American broadcasting in spite of its wild popularity the world over. (I mean, really, folks. . . all these years golf gets network air time but no love for soccer? Well, TV fat cats. . .it's about damn time.)

 

Inevitably I’d praise the merits of soccer to disinterested Buckeye fans during football season, only to be shrugged off with dismissals somewhere along the lines of: “Pfffft. Soccer? Soccer’s for pansies.” (Adopt a deep, dumb-guy jock voice for full effect.)

 

I cannot begin to tell you the satisfaction I’m enjoying watching soccer finally get its day in the sun, and knowing that a little, dribbling pansy has emerged in the heart of every red-blooded, face-paintin', foam finger-wavin' American male.

 

I think I earned the right to say I told ‘em so.

 

So if you want to get on board the new sports craze and pass as an authentic soccer fan, follow these 12 easy tips.  

1. Hit your favorite watering hole on game day with a bunch of buddies. 5-9 is ideal, but no fewer than 2. You’ll just look like a douche bag watching alone. And no girls allowed.

2. Drink light domestic beer out of bottles. (It’s okay to order a soft drink, but don’t wear a t-shirt with your high school alma mater on it. It’s a dead giveaway and, frankly, it’s just not cool.)

3. Wear random sports paraphernalia, preferably non-soccer since you probably just jumped on the bandwagon like everyone else.

4. Get to know the lingo, and then throw it into conversation at every possible opportunity. Relatedly, know the rules; failure to do so may result in an embarrassing social blunder and expose you as a fake.

5. Your expression should reflect grave seriousness. I repeat: do not smile under any circumstances. The fate of the world is at stake.

6. Put your left hand on your chin, temple, or forehead to reinforce the gravity of the situation. An acceptable alternative is to cover your mouth with the end of your fist.

7. Lean forward during the good parts and lean really far back during commercials.

8. Don’t take your eyes off the action for even a split second. If possible, do not blink.

9. For god’s sake: Don’t. Say. Anything. Until after the third replay, of course, at which point you must provide extensive commentary on the good, the bad, and who-looks-good-in-shorts. (Oh, wait. Don’t say that last part out loud.)

10. Moan and wail with all you’ve got when your team takes a shot and misses (breast-beating and teeth gnashing also acceptable, but not required).

11. Shout “What!?,” “Come on!” or “That’s bullsh#t!” when the ref makes a call against your team, regardless if it was a good call or not.

12. And finally, when your team scores, burst into a sudden, explosive standing ovation. Scream at the top of your lungs, wave whatever paraphernalia you've brought with you, and slam high-5s to everyone within reach, yelling “fuck, yeah!” as though it was you who just got one past the goalie.

Add comment


Security code
Refresh