It is 10:35 PM on Thursday July 8th as I type this. As I think back on my evening, there are so many things I could have done between 9 and 10 that would have been much more productive than watching the hour long media farce that ESPN lovingly dubbed "The Decision." I could have widdled a flute out of drift wood, or put thumbtacks under my fingernails, or stick my left arm in a meat grinder and pack it away for tomorrow's lunch. But here I sit, with an hour absolutely wasted. I will never get it back. If you had no idea that Lebron James was a free agent, then consider yourself lucky. The media frenzy that has surrounded the NBA's best loser's quest to find a new home has been nothing short of sickening. The sick-fest culminated tonight in "The Decision" where Lebron held a live press conference to announce where he signed. If you missed it, never fear. I've documented the whole thing for you to read an enjoy. With any luck, I'll only waste a fraction of the time needed for you to read this.
Is this a joke? Is there honestly a pre-show to this show? What are they previewing? They're just talking about where they think Lebron will sign. Isn't that what everyone has been talking about for the past two months? And if they're talking about this now, what will they talk about during the HOUR we have to sit here and watch this? No, random SportsCenter analyst, I do not care about your opinion on where Lebron will fit best. Please get off the screen so we can get this crap over with and move on with our lives.
Just got finished watching the ridiculous highlight video of all of Lebron's accomplishments. Let's keep in mind, people, we're not inducting him to the Hall of Fame. He's just announcing where he's signing. Sure most normal players will just send out a press release or something. That's what Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh did. But no, Lebron must somehow fill an hour of prime time TV. I am now looking at a motley crew of sports analyst, led by Stuart Scott. None of these people look happy to be here. Interesting because neither am I. And now they're talking about where they think Lebron is going to go. What was that whole thing before the show for then? I'm not a basketball fan but I'd like to see him go to New York. Everyone else seems to think he's going to Miami. That would be stupid, but I guess I'll find out soon. We were promised he would announce it in the first 10 minutes.
Wouldn't it be funny if Lebron announced that he's retiring and playing baseball instead? It's going to be a long hour.
Well, 10 minutes has come and gone and we have no answer! Shocking! I'm half expecting Ryan Seacrest to come with the owners of the teams that are in the running so they can do a final talent. Then Lebron would hand out roses to the ones who are still and we'd get to tune in next week. You know what? I'm not completely counting that out.
Hmm. How much do you think Vitamin Water paid to get into this gym?
I've been so busy thinking about all these possibilities that are entirely more entertaining than what's going on the TV that I haven't been paying any attention. I haven't missed much. He's being asked generic questions about what his experience was like. Did he just say it was "humbling"? OH MUST BE SO HUMBLING LEBRON. I'd be humbled too if teams lined up to give me millions of dollars. I'd be so humbled that I, too, would call a press conference to announce something that players do every single offseason. Hold on, they're asking him now. Be back in a second...
Miami. How unexciting. This doesn't make any sense. If I've learned anything this night, it's that Lebron James' ego could sink the Titanic. Why would you then force yourself into a situation where you have to share the spotlight with two other mainstream players? Dwayne Wade has even won a championship with Miami. The guy is a proven winner and he verbally agreed to resign with the Heat without any sort of fanfare whatsoever. Now this guy, fresh off a national prime time press conference, is going to come parading in and expect to be called the "King"? Poor decision.
Basketball anaylsis aside, how the hell are they going to fill up the rest of this hour slot? We got it. We got the decision. Move on.
If Lebron James ever decided to retire early from basketball, he could start a new career as a professional dodgeball player judging by the way he's sidestepping these questions. Just generic stupid answers. It's like he's sitting there reading from cuecards. To be fair, these questions aren't that great either. How many ways can you ask "How do you feel about this decision?"
I liked the reaction shot of the Miami bar. Did anyone else see that kid at the pool table? Someone card him. I would have liked to have seen a reaction shot from the LA Clipper faithful. All six of them would have been in someone's basement watching the MLL All-Stars (that's what I wanted to do.).
The question of the night has just been asked. Lebron was just shown footage of his jersey being burned in effigy in the streets of Cleveland and asked how he felt about that. Lebron's response: "I can't get involved in that right now." What'd you want him to do, ESPN? Cry? Immediately change his mind and sign with Cleveland? What's next: "We have footage of a young boy named Lebron getting beaten visciously in Cleveland because of his association with you, how do you feel about that Lebron?"
WE DON'T NEED ANYMORE ANALYSIS. THE DECISION WAS MADE. ENOUGH. How did ESPN project that the Heat were going to go 66-16 next year? How did they determine that they were 35% favorites to win the championship? How can you honestly say that? Screw you, ESPN. It's your fault that this is such a media fiasco right now. Do you have to come up with contrived stats that don't say anything? This is stupid. I'm glad it's almost over. All this media hype just to see Lebron make a decision that we all deep down knew he was going to make. And from the sound of the interview, he knew he was going to make too. Sleepless nights, my ass.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. Lebron wants us all to know that the proceeds of this press conference went directly to charity. Cunning move, Lebron. I've spent the last hour and a half killing you for this whole thing and you turn the tables on me, saying you only did this for charity. Very generous of you.
While it was a very generous deed to donate the proceeds to a charity, I can't quite figure out why this event even existed. Why did the world have to come to a stop to watch a guy, who clearly has talent don't get me wrong, turn his back on the city that gave him unconditional love for seven years to go to a team where he won't be the superstar we all know he wants to perceived as? And you know what? It's not his entirely his fault that it came to this unbelievable waste of time. It's not even entirely ESPN's fault (although they sure as hell have a lot to do with it). I blame you. Yes, you, generic basketball fan. Your constant feedback on this story fooled analysts at ESPN that the rest of us actually care about this. Free agent signings happen every year. Granted not as big as this one, but did we really need to see a press conference on prime time just so we could hear a decision that we all sort of knew he was going to make? If he turned around and did something unexpected like declare he was signing with the Clippers or rip off his shirt and rub his nipples then I could see why a press conference could be called. I hate to say it folks but this, the biggest free agent signing in the history of the NBA (or the Universe) was a collassal waste of time.
But, to quote my good friend who recently updated his Facebook status: "Finally, we can stop caring about basketball for 4 more months."
I agree. Goodnight.
Add comment