You know the expression, “everyone gets fifteen minutes of fame”? That sentence is practically etched in the YouTube Code of Conduct with the quill of Zeus. In fact, if it weren’t for Youtube, fifty percent of the celebrity population that I wouldn’t mind seeing tarred and feathered while being stretched on the rack wouldn’t be in the public eye (looking at you Justin Bieber). You look at these YouTube celebrities and you realize that they are jobless shmoes like yourself. Well, if they can do it, then dammit, so can you. Pay attention, buddy, because I am about to change your life.
This is the exact reason you had kids: to exploit them on the World Wide Web. Just whip out the old video camera and let their cuteness take over. Maybe your mischievous younger child will bite your oldest’s finger, causing him to cry out in a suspiciously staged sounding English accent. Or maybe his laughter at your acting like a damn fool off camera will light up the net. Kid not exciting enough? That’s no problem. Just drug him up. Drugs + cuteness = 1,000,000 views. Simple math, people.
Sure you can set up a camera and play your guitar, but come on now, everyone does that. Why not break out that odd instrument and a nice cover? Ukeleles work pretty good in a pinch but I’m actually talking to my manualists. What’s that? You’ve never heard of a manualist? Today’s your lucky day. Of course, it’s always cool to put your own material out there, show everyone what a great singer/songwriter you are. But you need to figure out some way to stand out, to be unique. The best way to do that is to play a bad song that so catchy it’s irritating and have a terrible voice. Check out my personal favorite, Tay Zonday. But if you don’t play an awesome instrument or write terrible music, then take your mundane instrument and play a spectacular cover of a song that’s charting at that time. Maybe if you’re really good, Ellen Degeneres will start her own record label with the sole (and perplexing) purpose of signing you.
You have a webcam don’t you? I’ve seen you on Chatroulette, I know you do. Time to stop trying to get girls to take off their tops and put that thing to good use. Just set it up and gab about current events or celebrity gossip. As long as you’re egotistical to think that anybody bored enough to click on your video gives two shits about what your opinion is of…anything…then you can make this video a success. You should have a catch phrase, like “C’mon, son!”, and have an elaborate introduction and ask for comments to fool everyone into thinking you have an actual following. Then again, maybe your horrific creature with no discernable gender and you just want everyone to leave Brittany alone.
Parodies are a great way to show what a good musician and comedian you are. There are literally a billion parodies out there, nearly ninety percent of them being “Tik Tok," which really needs to slink back into its cave and drink itself to death.
If you’ve ever seen “Charlie the Unicorn” or “Salad Fingers,” then you know exactly what I’m talking about. You do not find these videos funny. You are simply scared by them. That laughter escaping your lips is sheer terror that’s trying to look cool in front of your friends. First time, I saw “Salad Fingers,” I was seriously up for night waiting for someone to want touch my rusty spoons (and of course, “Chaaarrrlieeee”). If you make one these videos, people will share them just because it’s something you need to show other people. It’s the beginning of the recovery process.
CLICK HERE TO SEE MEGAN FOX NAKED.
Enough said.
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